Bad Habits

You know how people have those little habits that get you down? like Ernie. Ernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew, Pop.


Welcome back avid fan, for the second instalment of the Good Roommates Guide. Prepare to have your mind blown, your fancy tickled and your [insert appropriate genitalia here] pleasured. Actually that's really gross. How dare you pervert. Wait have we lost you already, where did you go? Oh there you are. Your polyester blends faded into your gaudy furniture and fittings. Good to have you here, Gemma.


Today we'd like to get serious on our ass and talk about habits. It is difficult to top our last blog regarding the high brow topic of appropriate and inappropriate uses of the fart, but by god we shall try our darndest. We all are creatures of habit - maybe you have an early morning routine of a high fibre breakfast followed by a brisk walk. Or, maybe you are a normal person. Other people have bad habits like chewing nails, leaving the toilet seat up (Kathryn) or drinking coffee, the broth of Satan.


When you have a roommate who you have known for a long time before you lived with them, you pick up on things you never knew about them before. They can sometimes be unexpected, odd, and even frightening. They also can be down right annoying. So annoying, in fact, that it causes you to harbour feelings of deep seated resentment... You may grow worrisome that one day soon these ugly feelings will bubble to the surface and lead to to an awful situation. Suddenly you somehow find yourself imprisoned for two counts of grievous bodily harm by way of your collectors edition Sound of Music music box. (Of which we have two).


So how do you deal with your roommates obnoxious habits? Lets get down to the root of this evil, shall we? Let's categorise the different levels of bad habits.


1) The Minhab. These are minor and slightly inconveniencing traits. For example, your roommate may sometimes like to sing like an African-American songstress á la Whitney Houston, Jennifer Hudson, or Justin Beiber. All strong black women. This wouldn't be half as annoying if said perpetrator didn't belt out And I'm Telling You at the top his... or her (but let's face it, you know which one of us it is) lungs at 3 am in the morning. Or perhaps your roommate sleeps in little to no clothing. This makes it very awkward when she bursts into your room and says: "stop belting out And I'm Telling You at 3 am in the frickin morning."


2) The Midhab. These are moderate to annoying habits. Like Mariah Carey in Glitter or mailmen who wear blue. The midhab is quite dangerous as it can lead to bickering, meaningful sighs and awkward glances. It is imperative that you do not let the midhab get the better of you. We recommend high fibre breakfasts and brisk walks. Cos the last thing you want when you're pissed off at your roommate is for things to be not moving down there. It leads to all kinds of evil and messiness. Emotionally! What were you thinking? You're so gross. But should we expect less from someone with a hairstyle like yours. Heavy is the head that wears the $10 haircut. Just sayin'. Oh wow, this has turned out to be a good sized paragraph. Let's move on, shall we?


3) The Maxhab. (Not to be confused with the maxi-pad). These are the big things that really get on your tits... Like really mad... I'm talking "Precious in Precious (based on the novel Push) after she has been deprived of chicken" mad. The homosexual male is prone to have matching furniture, spotless kitchen benches and can often be found rearranging the house in one afternoon. Not because it needs to be, but just for fun. Imagine now, one of these poor specimens having to co-exist along side a person with no style and mismatched furniture. It's a gay man's nightmare. Much like when Cher's comeback tour was cancelled. Or what if you do not have the good fortune of being a gay man, but having to live with one. You may find your furniture stored in the garage along with subtle hints about how you would feel about moving into the garage yourself. This can lead to tensions. Tensions can lead to constipation. And this takes us full circle back to the beginning.


Keep up the fibre, and you will be content and regular.


Jean Claude Van-DAMN you guys have been great.


Singing off,
The Two Fat Ladies.

Photo, courtesy of Michelle de Mol.