Volume 1: Farting

Dear fans, facebook friends, obligatory acquaintances, Gemma Brownlow and others,

We, (being Kathryn Sinclair and PJ Willis) have been living together for almost 2 months now. It has been a delightfully crazy time and we have learned a lot of things about ourselves, the world around us and most importantly about the children. They are our future. (1) Whether or not they should be allowed in public places is not for us to discuss at this present time. No, we are here to talk about being a roommate. Many of us have one, or are likely to have one at some point. Most of us will eventually get married (as long as you want to marry someone of the opposite sex - the goverment has been very clear on this and we thank them for their interference and condescension). Anyway, we thought it would be prudent for us to write about our experiences and perhaps in the process give advice or even receive advice from you, our avid reader(s)

Throughout the coming months (or days - depending on how many people actually care enough or have so little going in their lives that they read this) we shall be discussing such topics as farting and general bodily odors, cleaning rosters, sharing bathrooms with smelling ranga pigs, and the awkward moment when you walk in on your roommate devouring the entire box of cheesels that you had been saving for a special occasion and you cry yourself to sleep wondering how can the world ever be good again?

So, onto our first topic: Farting. Is this a socially acceptable past time? How well do you need to know someone before it's ok to release pernicious gas in front of them? These topics and more will be explored in the following chapter. So get comfortable... we'll wait for you.

Welcome back - I'd rethink that shirt though - you need to wear more Autumn colours. 

Let's begin at the very beginning (shout out Julie Andrews!). What is a fart? A fart is the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals. Why do farts make noises? The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend upon the velocity of the expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus. This has little to no relevance to what we will be discussing, we just thought we'd enlighten you with excess research from Kathryn's thesis.

We all agree these little gushes of wind are simply a fact of life. We all fart. Get over it (PJ). But there is no denying that some people have smellier farts than others and these people tend to do it more frequently and with more flair - literally. These people also tend to be proud of their farts and want to share them with the world. 


To keep things scientific and above board, people discussed in this blog shall be given alias names. Our first subject... lets call her... "Kathryn Sinclair" is a notoriously smelly farter. And likes to use them as punishment to her roommate. This point cannot be stressed enough people, farts should never be used as weapons against your roommate no matter how obnoxious and insufferable "PJ"... I mean... your roommate may be.

Secondofly, farts should never be used as entertainment. That's why we pay the Foxtel bill. Look - It doesn't matter if you can fart a Mozart tune, or in a complicated polyrhythm... it's just not funny and leads to awkwardness and unnecessary conflict.
 Thirdly, it is never funny to light your farts on fire. This can cause serious injury and damage to people, walls and innocent children passing by. Not to mention the damage it causes to ones dignity. (Though we realise what a redundant statement that is - as if farters, much like straight people, have any dignity to begin with.)

Finally - it is important when farting, to leave the room. Despite the ever increasing hole in the ozone layer, outside is best. Failing this, a well chosen corner with good ventilation, away from open flames will suffice.

In summation remember these four points:

1) People fart
2) Farts aren't funny
3) Farts shouldn't be used as WMD's
4) If others are present always leave before relieving the gaseous toxins ferociously trying to escape from your anus.

Remember this and you are on your way to a happy and easy going time with your roommate.

Next week, we shall be exploring the harsh realities of living with someone with red hair and appropriate conversations for dinner time. Speculation on the colour of Angela Lansbury's pubic hair is not one of these things. We'd like to leave you with these moving words (hahaha pun ©PWillis&KSinclair)

I do declare there is some art 
In making you, the perfect fart, 
It ain't no easy matter, Mum, 
To push this air from out my bum 
In such a way that I may pass 
Enchanting music out my ass. 

From the Two Fat Ladies.

(1) It's all about the children? What have they done for us?