You know how people have those little habits that get you down? like Ernie. Ernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew, Pop.
Welcome back avid fan, for the second instalment of the Good Roommates Guide. Prepare to have your mind blown, your fancy tickled and your [insert appropriate genitalia here] pleasured. Actually that's really gross. How dare you pervert. Wait have we lost you already, where did you go? Oh there you are. Your polyester blends faded into your gaudy furniture and fittings. Good to have you here, Gemma.
Today we'd like to get serious on our ass and talk about habits. It is difficult to top our last blog regarding the high brow topic of appropriate and inappropriate uses of the fart, but by god we shall try our darndest. We all are creatures of habit - maybe you have an early morning routine of a high fibre breakfast followed by a brisk walk. Or, maybe you are a normal person. Other people have bad habits like chewing nails, leaving the toilet seat up (Kathryn) or drinking coffee, the broth of Satan.
When you have a roommate who you have known for a long time before you lived with them, you pick up on things you never knew about them before. They can sometimes be unexpected, odd, and even frightening. They also can be down right annoying. So annoying, in fact, that it causes you to harbour feelings of deep seated resentment... You may grow worrisome that one day soon these ugly feelings will bubble to the surface and lead to to an awful situation. Suddenly you somehow find yourself imprisoned for two counts of grievous bodily harm by way of your collectors edition Sound of Music music box. (Of which we have two).
So how do you deal with your roommates obnoxious habits? Lets get down to the root of this evil, shall we? Let's categorise the different levels of bad habits.
1) The Minhab. These are minor and slightly inconveniencing traits. For example, your roommate may sometimes like to sing like an African-American songstress รก la Whitney Houston, Jennifer Hudson, or Justin Beiber. All strong black women. This wouldn't be half as annoying if said perpetrator didn't belt out And I'm Telling You at the top his... or her (but let's face it, you know which one of us it is) lungs at 3 am in the morning. Or perhaps your roommate sleeps in little to no clothing. This makes it very awkward when she bursts into your room and says: "stop belting out And I'm Telling You at 3 am in the frickin morning."
2) The Midhab. These are moderate to annoying habits. Like Mariah Carey in Glitter or mailmen who wear blue. The midhab is quite dangerous as it can lead to bickering, meaningful sighs and awkward glances. It is imperative that you do not let the midhab get the better of you. We recommend high fibre breakfasts and brisk walks. Cos the last thing you want when you're pissed off at your roommate is for things to be not moving down there. It leads to all kinds of evil and messiness. Emotionally! What were you thinking? You're so gross. But should we expect less from someone with a hairstyle like yours. Heavy is the head that wears the $10 haircut. Just sayin'. Oh wow, this has turned out to be a good sized paragraph. Let's move on, shall we?
3) The Maxhab. (Not to be confused with the maxi-pad). These are the big things that really get on your tits... Like really mad... I'm talking "Precious in Precious (based on the novel Push) after she has been deprived of chicken" mad. The homosexual male is prone to have matching furniture, spotless kitchen benches and can often be found rearranging the house in one afternoon. Not because it needs to be, but just for fun. Imagine now, one of these poor specimens having to co-exist along side a person with no style and mismatched furniture. It's a gay man's nightmare. Much like when Cher's comeback tour was cancelled. Or what if you do not have the good fortune of being a gay man, but having to live with one. You may find your furniture stored in the garage along with subtle hints about how you would feel about moving into the garage yourself. This can lead to tensions. Tensions can lead to constipation. And this takes us full circle back to the beginning.
Keep up the fibre, and you will be content and regular.
Jean Claude Van-DAMN you guys have been great.
Singing off,
The Two Fat Ladies.
Photo, courtesy of Michelle de Mol.
Dear fans, facebook friends, obligatory acquaintances, Gemma Brownlow and others,
We, (being Kathryn Sinclair and PJ Willis) have been living together for almost 2 months now. It has been a delightfully crazy time and we have learned a lot of things about ourselves, the world around us and most importantly about the children. They are our future. (1) Whether or not they should be allowed in public places is not for us to discuss at this present time. No, we are here to talk about being a roommate. Many of us have one, or are likely to have one at some point. Most of us will eventually get married (as long as you want to marry someone of the opposite sex - the goverment has been very clear on this and we thank them for their interference and condescension). Anyway, we thought it would be prudent for us to write about our experiences and perhaps in the process give advice or even receive advice from you, our avid reader(s)
Throughout the coming months (or days - depending on how many people actually care enough or have so little going in their lives that they read this) we shall be discussing such topics as farting and general bodily odors, cleaning rosters, sharing bathrooms with smelling ranga pigs, and the awkward moment when you walk in on your roommate devouring the entire box of cheesels that you had been saving for a special occasion and you cry yourself to sleep wondering how can the world ever be good again?
So, onto our first topic: Farting. Is this a socially acceptable past time? How well do you need to know someone before it's ok to release pernicious gas in front of them? These topics and more will be explored in the following chapter. So get comfortable... we'll wait for you.
Welcome back - I'd rethink that shirt though - you need to wear more Autumn colours.
Let's begin at the very beginning (shout out Julie Andrews!). What is a fart? A fart is the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals. Why do farts make noises? The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend upon the velocity of the expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus. This has little to no relevance to what we will be discussing, we just thought we'd enlighten you with excess research from Kathryn's thesis.
We all agree these little gushes of wind are simply a fact of life. We all fart. Get over it (PJ). But there is no denying that some people have smellier farts than others and these people tend to do it more frequently and with more flair - literally. These people also tend to be proud of their farts and want to share them with the world.
To keep things scientific and above board, people discussed in this blog shall be given alias names. Our first subject... lets call her... "Kathryn Sinclair" is a notoriously smelly farter. And likes to use them as punishment to her roommate. This point cannot be stressed enough people, farts should never be used as weapons against your roommate no matter how obnoxious and insufferable "PJ"... I mean... your roommate may be.
Secondofly, farts should never be used as entertainment. That's why we pay the Foxtel bill. Look - It doesn't matter if you can fart a Mozart tune, or in a complicated polyrhythm... it's just not funny and leads to awkwardness and unnecessary conflict.
Thirdly, it is never funny to light your farts on fire. This can cause serious injury and damage to people, walls and innocent children passing by. Not to mention the damage it causes to ones dignity. (Though we realise what a redundant statement that is - as if farters, much like straight people, have any dignity to begin with.)
Finally - it is important when farting, to leave the room. Despite the ever increasing hole in the ozone layer, outside is best. Failing this, a well chosen corner with good ventilation, away from open flames will suffice.
In summation remember these four points:
1) People fart
2) Farts aren't funny
3) Farts shouldn't be used as WMD's
4) If others are present always leave before relieving the gaseous toxins ferociously trying to escape from your anus.
Remember this and you are on your way to a happy and easy going time with your roommate.
Next week, we shall be exploring the harsh realities of living with someone with red hair and appropriate conversations for dinner time. Speculation on the colour of Angela Lansbury's pubic hair is not one of these things. We'd like to leave you with these moving words (hahaha pun ©PWillis&KSinclair)
I do declare there is some art
In making you, the perfect fart,
It ain't no easy matter, Mum,
To push this air from out my bum
In such a way that I may pass
Enchanting music out my ass.
From the Two Fat Ladies.
(1) It's all about the children? What have they done for us?
