I used to dream that I would have sex at some point in my adult life

Recently, your favourite blogging duo, or duet if you will, viewed a production of The Wedding Singer. We’ve all seen the movie version of The Wedding Singer, haven’t we? Well if you haven’t, think of an Adam Sandler movie you have seen. Same thing. You know the scene after Robbie Hart has just gotten stood up at the altar (and come on, wouldn’t you stand him up as well?) and he goes back to work and is all depressed and self harmy? Yeah, it’s the scene where he loses his shit and sings “Love Stinks”. I don’t think he means this literally, however, it’s open to interpretation. Anyway, he points out that he, and a few hideously deformed guests at the wedding are never going to find love. (Don’t worry – there’s a happy ending!)

These people consist of a woman who is one heart attack away from Jesus, another lady with sideburns (not everyone can pull off sideburns, right Gemma?) and now you get the idea. We strongly disagree with the premise of this scene. In our experience, it’s generally the average Joe’s (or Joann’s – no judgment here, we don’t want to put anyone in a box – unless you’re into that… if ya know what we’re saying?) who have trouble finding love.

I mean, think about it. Pretty people find other pretty people, they have awesome pretty people sex and have awesome pretty people babies. Ugly people find other ugly people, have ugly people sex, and have ugly people children. It’s people in middle, on the cusp, if you will, who have issues. For example let’s look at Hollywood. We’ll start with the uglies. Roseanne Barr found Tom Arnold. True the marriage didn’t last… but that wasn’t for superficial reasons, apparently he just had a small penis. True story.

Now the pretty people. For example, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. They are hot. And you wanna lick them up the back. And so do they. And they do. That leaves us with the poor average Joe’s. Just look at Jennifer Aniston. Now, she’s kind of pretty. She can’t act, but she has a solid career based on a hairstyle… but she’s no Angelina Jolie (right Brad Pitt?). She’s had so much trouble in love, and has resorted to dating such undesirables as Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and Anne Heche. (We may have made that last one up.)

Which brings us to story time. It’s half past 3 on the rocket clock… something, something open wide, come inside, something, something play school. That is fucked up guys! We have a demonic neighbour, or neigbouress if you will. Well… we’re 78.87% sure it’s a female. We know he is a demon because she flinched the other day when we said “christe” in front of him. We’re not stupid, we watch Supernatural. Mainly for the hot guys, and clinging desperately to the possibility of Dean hooking up with Castiel (note from Kathryn: “Let it go PJ… let it go”). 

Anyway, this demon walks past our windows muttering in her demonic growl such phrases as “you could have fucking supported me, Anne Heche” and other choice expletives. Look, we’re not physiologists, but in our professional opinion this demon is one crazy mo fo in Mo Ho. See what we did there? We’re so funny. And ridiculously good looking. So why don’t we have boyfriend? Fuck, it sucks to me! Oops… don’t you hate it when you’re saying something important only to get carried away with a musical theatre reference. But seriously… why don’t we have a boyfriend? Or in Kathryn’s case… Anne Heche.

Instead of joining a dating site, we thought it would just be easier to do it here. Please find below our “profiles”. We think you’ll be impressed… try to hide your boners or lady wood… whichever applies.

Kathryn “willputoutforcash” Sinclair

Interested in: boxes. Get it? It’s a metaphor!

Skills: can tie allen’s snake with tongue (that is not a metaphor)

Quote of the day: “Do you guys think it’s OK to drink while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?”

Wants: Someone to watch over me, someone who can climb every mountain and solve a problem like Maria. Physically a Julie Andrews look-a-like.

Favourite movie: Fatal Attraction in a double bill with The Sound of Music

PJ “boxhater” Willis

Interested in: stamps

Skills: knows all the lyrics to Evita

Quote of the day: “parking your car is similar to giving a good blowjob… always stay between the lines”

Wants: World Peace.

Favourite movie: Free Willy

And scene.