No one has ever gone past my hymen.

Whores, tramps, girls, boys and the undecided. And Gemma. We're here to talk down to you today about a very important issue. Well... not so much. We're really just gonna talk a lot of shit again. This will probably be our last blog about being a roommate. We are currently going through what the English call a divorce. Please understand it is entirely your fault. We don't love you anymore, and if you hadn't of been born, the world would have been a much happier place and mummy and daddy would have stayed together. Get out of our sight you talentless piece(s) of shit!

Seriously though, we're fine. No one is moving out despite constant escape attempts from the one they call "Kathryn" (hopefully that's ambiguous enough and you wont figure out who we mean). Also, we've honestly run out of things to talk about regarding our roommatedness. Ew that kind of sounds like we've been mating. Honestly no one is more disgusted by that notion than we. As a result this will be our final blog regarding us living together. (Well, probably anyway).

Some have called our relationship unhealthy. Sinister even. For tax purposes only… but it’s so much more than that. One of the most important things about being a good roommate is that you have to adore each other. Or, be heavily drugged out on cough medicine and fess nasal spray at least 90% of the time like we are. But seriously guys, we love each other. In a strictly platonic way. Except for that one time behind the haystack – but we’ve promised never to talk about that again. Oops. Just did. Shit. Excuse us whilst we dry retch. In this blog we’re going to give you a few tips… or titbits if you will, about how we function on a daily basis. Not bowel functions... that's next week...

Mostly we get on like two lesbians and a U-Haul trailer, but we do have our fair share of arguments. Usually about whether Julie Andrews was robbed of her Academy Award for The Sound of Music. Healthy roommates have fights. It’s good for the soul and your oily t-section. (You might want to get that checked out… just sayin’ – it’s offensive.)

Both of us are currently seeking employment. Well not actively, but we do occasionally have dreams about applying for jobs we have no qualifications for. Neither of us has any marketable skills, unless you count being able to tie an Allen’s Snake with your tongue. 

One of us has a music degree (as if that’s even worth the paper it was forged on – but it is from a fine institution. Hahahahaha jokes.) And the other would have a degree by now if he too had slept with his professors. But hey, we’re not all sluts who have so many track marks that we have to start injecting between our toes. Oh… yeah… drugs are bad kids. Stay off the blow, it leads to bad life decisions. Like that time we accidentally watched a full episode of Glee and found ourselves enjoying the black chick (wait, is that racist?) and her terrible acting as she pops some nodules. That was harsh. We’re sorry token black/fat chick on Glee. You’re perfection. Ok… we are really racist. And fatist. We’re seeking help. Well not so much – but we’ve been watching a lot of My Wife and Kids. Baby steps… it’s a process.

Anyway, while we’re both being supported financially by our girl Julia Gillard, we’ve tried to be budget conscious… you know, we’ve cut out the expensive drugs and the hookers, and since we’ve decided to remove all the negative things in our lives we’ve stopped paying rent. Paying rent is the worst decision we ever made. Our landlords are totally cool with it – in fact they write to us constantly with eviction notices. We’ve told them Big Brother is off the air now, but they don’t get. Those jokers.

We have found cooking the nightly meal to be a good bonding experience. PJ does most of the edible cooking, while Kathryn cooks the more novelty dinners. Such as McDonalds and Pizza Hut... and on one memorable occasion, glue rice and vomit flavoured beef stroganoff. We cannot say more for the simple act of having a nice meal together. Especially if it’s Chinois. Which is Chinese for Chin-wahs.

Well, that’s about all we have time for. We’re sorry this one didn’t really make you laugh. I mean really it was a waste of your time to read it wasn’t it? Sometimes we like to get serious, and give you something you can really sink your teeth into. You know like Faust or Balzac. (Hehehe Balzac).

We like you all like we like our girls drinks... spiked as f**k.

Peace out mofo's